20 Hilarious One-Liners That Sum Up Parenting Perfectly

Mischief Managed“This business of training little humans for Life is a mind-boggling experience!”

If you’re parents who, like me, are finding this world of parenting a daily surprise (to say the least), then these one-liners will resonate with the funny bone in you:

1) Parenting is mastering the art of a one-minute-poop and a half-a-minute shower!

Yes. And even the art of forgetting when you showered last!

2) Parenting is when weekdays are welcomed and weekends are no-school days!

At least I get to speak for four hours less on weekdays.

3) Parenting is perpetually sighing when looking at a child younger than your kid and saying, “He was so easy then!”

Having forgotten that what’s up ahead will be worse!

4) There are three kinds of grocery shoppers –

“The ones who pick up all the healthy things; then the ones who pick up all the junk, and then the ones who end up running around the aisles picking up their kids!”

And sometimes picking up the bits of broken jars too!

5) Parenting is like going back to school; but this time to learn patience!

And self-control, and manners and baby talk and rhymes and….

6) Parenting is when you go to the mall and everyone looks at you and then at your kid and wonders ‘how come such an angel was given to a rogue alien like you!’

They have their reasons since you look totally lost and out of control.

7) The best part of parenting is the day you realise that you have become everything that you hated about your parents!

And more.

8) Parenting is stopping your kid from eating that piece of chocolate which has fallen on the floor and then eating it yourself when he/she is not looking.

The five-second rule I guess?

9) When you’re a parent of two kids, you don’t care which one is right in a fight. You only care about how quickly you can get them to stop shrieking!

Or send them to your mom’s!

10) If you step in and step on something rubbery which squeaks the living hell out of you followed by a wail loud enough to damage your eardrums for life? You’ve just entered your house.

And that’s your baby’s chewing toy you’ve just spoiled!

High-Energy Child11) If a three-foot, cute-looking, bratty thing has not hurled ‘I don’t like you’ at you even once, it means that you have not succeeded as a parent!

Even “you’re not my mamma/papa” counts!

12) You’re ready to be a parent if you don’t like sleeping, love mess, enjoy loud wails, don’t want savings, like eating leftover fruit pulp and mushy crap, and would give anything to not shower properly for days.

Ah also, if you don’t like ‘me time’ anymore!

13) For all those men who wish they could experience what having a newborn baby is like: it’s like a hangover that even hot water and lemon cannot fix.

Plus, it goes on for months!

14) If you see a man and woman in a car, in the middle of the night, driving slowly, and softly stealing glances at the car seat behind them? Don’t be intrigued. They must be parents putting their whining newborn to sleep!

They’re also experts at taking turns, sleeping in cars!

15) A mother is someone who panics at the sound of a baby wailing, even if it’s not hers!

I shudder even when the little one next door cries!

16) Being a mother gives you a choice. You can either sleep sitting down or standing up; never on the bed!

Or you can choose not to sleep ever!

17) Being a mother is a lot like having, for lack of a better word, Alzheimer’s. You will have:

> Partial or complete memory loss on when you last combed your hair

> Complete memory loss about your professional life

> Absolutely useless reasoning power with your little one

18) You know you’re a mother when you spend more than half your day giving out empty threats and the other half disciplining your kids.

In whatever remains, you argue with their father about not loving them enough!

19) Take a basket full of blocks, a couple of hundred toy cars, fifty-odd jumpy balls, a few utensils from the kitchen, and spread them on the floor. Then switch off the lights and walk on them.

Shush! Don’t make a noise else your child will wake up!

20) You know you’re a good parent if all those friends, acquaintances, neighbours, passers-by, fruit vendors, vegetable sellers, grocers, maids, drivers, and everyone who doesn’t have a baby gives you parenting advice!

Oh, and add mother-in-laws to the list!

Do you have any favourite parenting one-liners? Share one with us. Leave a ‘Comment’ below.

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